Leonora in Wonderland – Fragments

fuck-idiot

I started to write this story to don’t forget some amazing things happened in my life.
It had a purpose, to show that another way to love is possible.
Well, it seems that is not.
But nice memories stay, even if in a hard, confused way.
I feel very angry, and sad.

“I know you’re angry, you have the right of being fucking furious for what happened to you; but..you know, past is past and cannot be changed, future can.

Rage will not change the past, and will no make any better of that bastard.

Use your rage for something useful, use your rage for changing someone else’s future.”

(D. – November 2012)

So, this time I dunno well how to use what happened to me in a useful way, I can only say: people, these are amazing moments of my life, I give them to you, with the hope to make you happy, or give you something good; and with the wish that you will use them better than how we did.


Leonora looked around while the silence descended, she felt his fleeting glimpse brush her cheek.

– How are you? –

she shrugged

– What do you think? –

– Yeah, of course … stupid question. I thought about you all the time –

She made a cynical smile

– Liar. –

The boy’s eyes widened in surprise

– No, really –

– Sure….I’m really believing it…-

– Now you’re cruel –

– Cruel and selfish –

– But, I should be the cruel and selfish one, shouldn’t I? –

– I never said that you are not … – she giggled

– … and liar! – she added again

– Thief! – Echoed him laughing, pulling out of her pocket his lighter

– Nice couple! –


He disappeared in the night and Leonora layed back on the old couch, suddenly the thought that this one could be last night together passed through her mind; she thought about the endless distance that would rise in those few centimeters … felt her eyes fill up with tears, and she could swear that her chest sent a sharp sound of broken heart.

She was so focused on her sadness that she not even noticed that he was back, and was looking her; quietly he sat at her shoulders, surrounding her with his arms, squeezing her as if he would not let her go anymore.

they remained like this for a long, indefinite period of time, sharing an inexpressible sadness.

– I don’t want – Leonora whispered, crying – I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want that you leave, I don’t want nothing of this, nothing! I want to be with you … –

He touched lightly her cheek with a kiss, leant his face on her one – I also want to stay with you –

She grabbed his arm, graping it convulsively; then the boy spoke again

– There must be another way … there must be, surely… –

Leonora shook sadly her head

– There isn’t , that’s all –

– The nights, at least, our nights … we can still have them, can’t we? … without love …. just me, you and the wine … as always –

– And what happened because of those nights? – Leonora asked, laughing through tears, he laughed bitter too

– You’re right … the nights are not the best way for stopping to be together –

– And I will miss them so much …-

– yep, it was nice …. and then, what will remain? –

– Only lie, and pain … Looking and could say nothing, couldn’t being able to touch … talking about an empty more or less … with the awareness that we would like, but we can’t –

– Maybe, after all, it won’t be so difficult … we can at least try ….-

– I can’t, just thinking about it my heart goes in one milion pieces …-

Leonora turned herself and stared him in the eye, strechted a hand to caress his face

– Never again …it will never happen again …- she whispered

She hugged him

– Never again –

she put a gentle kiss on his lips

– Never again –

she squeezed his hand in hers

– Never again –

He suddendly closed her in an hug as if she could disappear at any moment.

– Enough! No! I refuse it! … I … I will find a solution, there must be a solution! –

– Forget is the only possible solution … –

He opened his eyes wide – Do you want to forget, Leo? –

She shook her head

– Of course not…-

– So I do not care … as long as we can still save something … but I won’t give up the truth , the truth no… –

– We will go on telling each other the truth … and will be terrible …-

He nodded

– But at least we will be able to look ouselves in the eyes and tell that we want each other, I will be able to tell you that I miss you … and we can remember –

– God, Why is it so painful? It should be easy …-

– Yeah, it sucks … this feeling really sucks … –


– I will sleep here, you can stay here too, if you want –

Leonora didn’t move, while he was preparing the bed

– Ask it. – she said

– What? –

– Ask it to me, you always say “you can stay….” but you never asked me to stay…do you wanna that I will stay? –

He stopped, and without turn himself answered

– Sure, every time I want that you would stay….will you stay, and sleep with me, Leonora? –

She didn’t speak for a while, then whispered

– I will stay with you this night –

When they laid on the bed he hugged her, looking the morning sky out of the window

– With you is always like this…we start to speak and a minute later is already morning –

– I agree.. will be morning for ever –

– I never hated mornings so much –

– All the dreams have to finish with morning’s rising… –

– I never thought could be so nice…just laying in the bed with someone… –

– Don’t you want more? –

– Of course I want it….but it already worth it…. –

– You’re so cute….it’s a surprise….I really didn’t expect it… –

– You’re cute too….sometimes….sometimes you’re not… –

– And which part do you prefer? –

– Both of them…. –

– Were you jelous? –

– Of what? you? –

– Of the nights….’cause I never stayed with you…I always came back to him –

– A little, yes…I wanted it too… –

– What? –

– Sleep with you –


He hugged her tight

– Don’t let me go… –

– I won’ t –

– I don’t want that you leave, I will miss you so much… –

– I will come back, I will come back to you….or do you want that I stay? –

She shook her head.

– Go. And live something beautiful….when I really needed to go, someone that really loves me…just let me go…it is how it works… –

He hugged her even tighter

– I will come back to you, I promise it –


October 2015.

Leonora was walking with her head bowed by Mark’s side, lost in her thoughts.

Something wasn’t working between them…and this gave her a feeling of deep sadness.

Suddenly Mark stopped in the middle of the way and shook his hand

– Hey, James! –

The guy approchead the couple, smiling.

– Leo, he is a very good friend of mine…his name is James! –

Slowly Leonora rose her eyes, crossing the guy’s ones.

Her face became again emotionless and distant.

– Hi.- she said sharply

– Hello! – James smiled again in her direction, sliding his eyes from her feet to the head.

she bowed immediatly the gaze again.

– I…I’m thirsty, I’m going to look for something to drink – mumbled

Without waiting for an answer the girl walked away rapidly, entering a random dusty path in the direction of the woods.

She walked quickly ‘till the docks…and remained for at least 10 minutes looking the boats and the lights on the other side of the river, while the wind was making her shiver.

She didn’t know well why, but her first, strong feeling has been run away from Jame’s gaze.

He was looking at her as he would being analyzing her, and Leonora didn’t like it at all.

Why?

Normally she didn’t like when people tried to analyze her, but wans’t also so worried about it…for “normal people” she was like a book written in a dead language, unintelligible.

Watching the clock she noticed that was already away since a long time…slowly walked back on her steps.

– Hey, finally you’re back! – Mark smiled hugging her.

Again uncomfortable feelings.

She made an effort for making a smile.

Slowly rose her gaze again to James, his eyes were staring her as he could read her soul like an open book, an easy one.

Leonora felt her heart makes a jump.

Could he understand her?

– There is… there’s Anna…I go…to say hi – mumbled again, walking away in the dark.

– Leo! Wait! Where are you going? Leo… – Mark tried to hold her, but she was gone yet.

Turned the corner Leonora stopped, gasping.

Why she was so scared?

She looked at the colorful crowd around her

Maybe….maybe I could just don’t walk back…NO! This one isn’t me, c’mon! Am I scared by a random guy? Nah. Is this situation…I dunno what to do…should I…Walk back…?

She stayed for few more minutes, trying of finding again her inner calm.

All the fears from the past seemed come back and bit her.

All the “you’re wrong, icy, a terrible person” and then “loser, jelous, evil”.

All those insults were coming to life in her head with her ex boyfriend’s voice.

Suddendly that voice was occupying the half of her mind.

– So you’re scared of being unmasked, eh? Mark doesn’t look the particulars….but that guy…you think he is able to see beyond you’re mask of strong icy bitch, isn’t it? –

– Shut up! –

– Ahahah Leonora is scared…Leonora is scared! – sang the voice making fun of her

– Shut the fuck up! –

– Of course, you could always not come back….and then? What will you say to Mark? “Sorry, I just ran away ‘cause I didn’t want show you what a loser I am?” And where you could go? You’re in the middle of nowhere, you not even know precisely where you are! Poor Leonora, I told you, this kind of situations are not for you….alone, at least. –

– I told you to shut that fucking sewer! –

– Poor Leo, the standard, stupid girlfriend…how pathetic you’re…c’mon, come back and find your place…in the corner….ahahahah –

– I survived the last 5 years without you…and even before, what did you do for me? Who was organizing everything? Who always surived in the unknown crowd and took us out of troubles? Who knew how to avoid the cops and save your fucking ass? Who did it all the time? ME.

It was ME. Only me, always me.

Who brought you in the scene? Who taught you how to talk with others and express your love and emotions? Always me.

I don’t need you, this is my natural habitat, I know perfectly how to move and how to come back home, if I want… –

– Oh oh, this little beast looks so self confident, now… –

Leonora took a deep breath, and started walking back

– What are you doing? –

– Walking back –

– Eh? Are you crazy? You’re not good in this stuff, Leo, you’re going to loose him! –

– If it has to be like this, well, it will be….I will face it, running away is useless –

– Leo… –

– Shut up, sucker! –

The voice suddenly disappeared from her mind.

At every step Leonora was feeling her self confidence grow, when she arrived again by Mark’s side she smiled.

James looked her again, but this time she didn’t bow her gaze, insted looked him back in the eyes.

– Probably you don’t remember it, but we already met once, many months ago – she said with secure voice

James smiled, his eyes sparkled in the dark.

– I remember perfectly about you. – answered sharply, as it would be the most natural thing in the world, then, he went on – Do you like the place? –

– Of course – Leonora said.

The whole conversation was going on without that anyone of the two looked away; Leonora found this curious.

In less than 10 minutes a match was already going on between them, and endless ping pong of provocations.

Every time that James was asking something to Leonora, she answered and then found a more difficoult question to ask.

There wasn’t any anger in the challenge, just a lot of curiosity, for the first time since a long time Leonora found a conversation really interesting.

When she entered in the back of the old van something familiar popped-up in her mind.

That scenario was terribly similar.

Similar to that small room that she loved so much, many many kilometers away, many many years before.

The screen enlighted the “room” with its blue light, the hands of James were running fast on the keyboard while Leonora’s eyes captured part of the code.

She started to summerge the guy of questions, actually, pertinent questions.

James was looking at her more and more intrigued, answering.

Mark was staring to that intellectual duel with a smile, he never saw before a girl facing James so easily and with such insolence.

After 20 minutes Lonora sat on the table behind her and in a perfect, dramatic, old-hollywood-diva-style lighted up a cigarette saying:

– This subject bored me, let’s talk about something else! –

James, sitting lower on the chair, staring her with aestathic face, as he would be adoring a madonna, stuttered

– About what do you wanna speak, lady? –

Leonora rotated her eyes, now totally certain of her power on them, alternatively to Mark and then on James; she smiled mischievously:

– About you two, misters… –

– What do you wanna know? – they asked almost at the same time

Again she moved her gaze from one to the other as a skilled actress

– Oh…well… – she put a fast kiss on Mark’s lips and then got closer to James’ face…now he could feel her breath, her eyes gleamed

– …everything. – whispered

James just nodded, smiling with a stupid face.

For the next 3 hours the trio went on speaking about love, relationships, sex, and everything could be related to these subjects.

She was anwering sinceresly to their questions and them were doing the same, but Leonora was able to read in their eyes a small, endless competition, for who was more able to ingratiate himself with her.

To more James’ questions Leonora was answering, more he was looking at her with sparkling eyes, their faces were coming nearer and nearer to each other…now they were looking reciprocally in the eyes…James extended his neck…his lips were almost touching Leonora’s ones…

the door suddenly opened, and they stopped

– Hey guys! – said a drowsy voice.

Leonora turned to the boy that was going to sit in a corner

– Hey. – answered with annoyed voice; if only she could, she would have incinerated him with a look.

James stretched himself

– What do you think of taking a look outside? – said

Out of the van the air of the rising morning was cold, they walked side by side on the docks, till the big, dark river.

– Is beautiful, isn’t it? – Mark asked

Leonora nodded and James too;

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