Void in my mind aka the importance of the empty time.

 

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Sunday I went to listen the Requiem by Mozart at Tivoli Vredenburg; a good performance, it was quite a long time that I didn’t have the possibility to go at a good concert.
When I was living in Rome, during the high school years, I was used to go quite often at the Santa Cecilia Auditorium, thanks to a special offer for the students (then it seems that the new managing decided that students are useless and poor, so not intersting as marketing’s targets…and retired the discount; what a band of geniuses… -.- )
Anyway…
I listened tons of classical concerts, and always loved them…In the moment in which I was sitting on the chair and the music started, I wasn’t in Santa Cecilia anymore, I was somewhere, in my head, traveling…creating new stories to write.
Sunday I was hoping to have the same experience…but it didn’t happen…something different happened.
Lately, becoming more confident with diagnosis terminology, I arrived to the conclusion that I have something similar to ADHD; my shrink was used to call it “intelligent people like, succeed, and want to do too many things”; in fact, for me is totally unbearable to have empty time, I’m always busy…working, organizing, sewing, writing, reading, studying, doing nerd stuff, talking…basically I have no free time, just because I fill it up with every kind of stuff.
And if, for a miracle, I finish to do what I have to do, I just find new things… after all everyone of us has an endless “to do list” :P
I’m unable to avoid of paying attention to things…all the fucking time; and, in time, this becomes a big stress.
Basically, I’m restless.
We can add to this that I was playing the role of mediator in a quite big problem in my collective, this means listening people’s rage, disappointment, arguments etc. all the time, 4/5 times a day.
And I was going crazy, it was becoming too much.
So, when I sat down on the chair in Tivoli, I was hoping, at least, to find some new inspiration for my writing…and take a breath from the everyday problems.
But it didn’t happen….more the music was going on, more I felt tired and at the same time mesmerized….I just couldn’t stop to pay attention to the music…little by little, all the disturbing things were coming up to my mind, but in a different way…they were just there, I was not feeling nothing….so, I was just looking at my frustrations flying on the ceiling at the rhythm of the music.
It was like a daydream…some kind of cathartic experience.
In that moment my mind wanted just to pay attention to the music, and I didn’t have energy and time to invest in other stuff…so it was just pushing out everything…I couldn’t do nothing more than sit and listen to the orchestra.
Finally, an empty moment.
I couldn’t smoke, do my nails, my hair, playing with the phone, write, nothing….just sitting and listening.
And one by one every annoying overthinking was pushed out…. ‘till my mind was empty and clean again.
It has been like a washing in my head.
After 2 hours of concert my mind was empty again, I felt tired and extremely happy, but not worried anymore; able again to push away all the things asking continuously for attention.
What a rare, amazing feeling!
So I just went out of the building and took a walk on the street, enjoying the sun and the brisk air…
For the first time, after a long period, I wasn’t spending time for my job, my school, my friends’ problems, my relationship…I finally had a bit of time just for myself, me, and no one else.
I remembered why I loved so much to go to this kind of concerts….it was like a washing for the soul, then you go out and enjoy the sun again…while the new feeling dries in the light ;)

Image: Fresh Laundry by Foxfires

 

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